Mariah Burton Nelson: Seven Profound Questions, Caregivers, Caregiving, Aging

Six months ago, when I learned that my stepmother was planning to divorce my 81-year-old father because of his early Alzheimer's disease, I invited Dad to come live near me.

Since then, numerous legal, financial, medical, emotional, and logistical questions have kept me awake at night. Would Dad be willing to move across the country? Which retirement home would best suit his needs and preferences? How could I find a good doctor? Should Dad stop driving? Should someone else start administering his medication? Should his new stove be disconnected? What about his finances? How much independence should I take from a dignified man who was already losing his wife, his home -- and, as he puts it, his mind?

Now that he's here, I still suffer from occasional insomnia. But as I begin this caregiving journey, I've noticed that certain questions can be helpful in themselves. These are not questions about practical matters, but philosophical ones about identity, purpose, and meaning, such as:

1) Why am I really doing this?

My responses include, "Because I love him"; "Because I can"; "Because he needs me"; and "Because it gives me a clear sense of purpose." Your responses may be different, and may vary, but as you can probably imagine, this question can bring peace.

2) How am I growing?

Caregivers don't just give. They receive, and it's useful to contemplate how. Often we can't articulate what we're learning until we look back on an experience later. But by wondering about how we might be benefiting, we remind ourselves of the opportunity for personal and spiritual growth.

Among the things I'm already learning from this new role with my father:

* How to be together without talking. (I think of it as companionable silence.)

* How to be patient. (If you have ever watched your parent try to get a knot out of his shoelace so he can take off his shoes and pass through airport security while you wait helplessly on the other side of the metal detector and irritable passengers crowd around behind him, muttering, you know that caregiving offers a multitude of patience-developing opportunities!)

* How to forgive. (It seems to me that elderly-parent caregiving is difficult in direct proportion to the degree to which one has not forgiven a parent for past mistakes, or for being different from how one wants them to be.)

* How to love. (As I stretch to meet situations, I'm surely developing "love muscles" that I can later use to embrace and support others.)

3) Who can help?

This question reminds us that someone can. Resources exist. Last week I discovered that a social worker at my Area Agency on Aging will determine which Medicare prescription drug card is best for my father, will apply for the card, and will send it to me -- for free! I only have to: 1) provide information about my father's medications; and 2) be willing to seek, find, and accept assistance.

4) What can I do right this minute to alleviate stress?

This question also implies solutions: instant ones. If I'm tired, I can sit. If I'm tense, I can take a deep breath. What's possible in a given moment varies, but the question serves as a reminder that we're not really stuck; we can change something instantly and feel a bit better.

5) What's working?

David Cooperrider inspired this question. He pioneered the Appreciative Inquiry process, which is "based on the assumption that questions and dialogues about strengths, successes, values, hopes, and dreams are themselves transformational."

No matter how many things are frustrating or difficult, there are other things that are proceeding well. I find it useful to wonder aloud what's working, then enumerate, discuss, and celebrate.

6) Where's my sense of humor?

One must laugh. Unfortunately, I'm not the sort of person who makes jokes easily and often. I have to be more deliberate about it. So when I find myself frowning and fretting, I go on a "Humor Hunt," digging for humor the way my dog digs for moles – which in itself is an amusing image. When you hunt for humor, you admit that there is a lighter perspective. That alone can help.

7) What can I let go of?

There's so much to do. But some of my "to-do" list is unnecessary. If I can't reach the movers, the insurance company, the doctor, or the lawyer, do I really need to call back several times a day? Under stress, I have a tendency to shift into obsessive/compulsive mode. But by banging my head against the wall of other people's schedules, I only give myself a headache.

I can let go of my own ineffective behaviors. I can let go of anger at people who do not live up to my expectations. I can even let go of my identity as a "perfect daughter."

If you're an overwhelmed caregiver and your response to "What can you let go of?" is, "Nothing!" then I gently propose that you consider letting go of that black-and-white thinking. Caregiving is important and at times critical but it's not an endless emergency. For our own sake, and for the sake of our loved ones, there are times and places when we can and must let go.

Bonus question: What's love got to do with it?

Yesterday my father told me that he's feeling much better since he moved here. Indeed his mood and mental functioning do seem vastly improved. Asked for an explanation, he replied simply, "You're so warm and friendly."

How gratifying! I know my love can't cure Alzheimer's. I know my father and I may have a long, bumpy road ahead of us. I know that many caregivers never hear such words of gratitude. I'm very lucky.

But I also know that love is indeed a powerful healer. And I suspect that's why all of us are doing this: because we love, and because others need our love. I find it helpful to remember that.

Mariah Burton Nelson, M.P.H., is the author of five books, including The Unburdened Heart: Five Keys to Forgiveness and Freedom. She gives keynote speeches to a variety of audiences on subjects related to love, leadership, courage, aging, health, fitness, and sports. She can be reached at 703/276-8323 or through her website: www.MariahBurtonNelson.com.

Need a speaker for your next event? Mariah Burton Nelson is an original, entertaining, pioneering author, athlete, and professional speaker who helps people grow and change with dignity and courage. Call 703/276-8323