Mariah Burton Nelson: A Good Speech is Like a Good Relationship

Contrary to what many people think, a speech should not a performance. Rather, it should be a relationship -- a meaningful, even intimate one -- that you, as a speaker, create with a group of people. Like any good relationship, a speaker/audience relationship requires caring, trust, openness, accessibility, and two-way communication. In this case, as the speaker, you set the tone.

If you already know how to be a good friend, that's a great start. Here are 20 tips to help you transfer your people skills to the platform:

1) Clarify the expectations. Who asked you to speak? What does that person expect? Ask direct questions beforehand, such as, "What do you hope I'll talk about? What problems or concerns might I address?"

2) Speak from the heart -- and the head. Choose a topic that you a) care about and b) know about. If you can't establish expertise, they won't believe you. If you don't care about the topic, they won't care either.

3) Plan before you speak. Practice the speech, using an outline, to get a sense of timing and phrasing - and to help you feel prepared, which will do wonders for stage fright. Take the outline to the platform with you, if you want (I do this as a security blanket, even when I don't need it) but do not memorize or read the speech word for word. People want you to relate to them, not read or recite from memory.

4) Dress appropriately. Wear an outfit that is slightly nicer than what you expect the audience to be wearing; you're the guest of honor. But keep it simple; don't distract them with sequins or swooping scarves or noisy jewelry.

5) Be prompt: When giving a speech, "arrive early and stay late" is a good motto. By arriving early, you'll have a chance to check out the microphone, seating, lighting, heating, and stage before the audience enters, and deal with any problems (there usually are some). By staying late, you'll make yourself available to audience members who want to talk with you afterward.

6) Be gracious and friendly: Greet at least some of the audience members when they walk in the door, as if you're hosting a party. Shake hands. Make them feel welcome. Not only do audience members appreciate it ("Oh, you're the speaker! Wow!"), it can make you feel more relaxed.

7) Take the time to get to know your audience. Some of this can happen in advance, by asking the meeting planner about the attendees. You can also interview audience members informally when socializing before the speech, and you can poll them once you take the platform. ("How many of you have been to Alaska?") Don't ask obvious questions ("How many of you would like to be successful?"); use your questions to learn relevant information about them, and listen to the answers. Later, you can refer back to this information: "As all of you zookeepers/swimmers/YouTube fans know..."). They'll feel listened to and understood.

8) Put them at ease, literally. Straight rows of chairs are deadly. When an audience member has to turn her head to see the speaker, she'll feel neck strain and eventually even get angry. Request curved seating ahead of time, but move chairs yourself if you must. You want them to be comfortable. They'll appreciate it.

9) Communicate clearly. Choose one main point. I call this the One Main Message (OMM). Have you noticed how many speeches lack this essential structural umbrella -- and leave listeners feeling lost and frustrated? There will never be enough time to share all your ideas, insights, wisdom, experience, and humor, so you have to decide: What, exactly, do you want people to remember? Share your One Main Message at the beginning, middle, and end of the speech.

10) Be organized. Choose up to 3 points that support your One Main Message. Avoid the temptation to make this a list of 9 or 12 or 17. People can't remember everything you say, and will appreciate you for limiting your speech to three main points, each one illustrated with stories, facts, humor, and audience involvement.

11) Speak intentionally. Speak a little more deliberately than you normally do. Emphasize certain words. Pause when appropriate. A conversational tone is good, but vocal variety -- volume, pacing -- is also good.

12) Gesture naturally. Or, if it's a big room, gesture a little bigger than you naturally would.

13) Be original. Do not tell jokes from joke books or the internet. Do not use other speakers' material. The audience wants to develop a relationship with YOU: based on your unique experience, insight, wisdom.

14) Involve the audience. Refer to a few audience members by name. Invite someone up on stage to demonstrate a point. Ask them to think, imagine, remember, raise their hands. Ask for their opinion. Then respond to their responses; in other words, ask real questions that create a dialogue. The more involved they are, the more likely they are to enjoy your presentation -- and feel connected to you.

15) Make eye contact. Maintain eye contact with one person for a whole sentence at a time, before moving on, the way you would in a one-on-one conversation.

16) Get personal. Tell relevant personal stories that illustrate your message -- and reveal something of your humanity. Authentic self-disclosure builds trust.

17) Get close. Walk out from behind the lectern. This one action will make a tremendous impression, since it will bring you physically closer, dispense with the lectern "shield," and differentiate you from most speakers. Retreating to the lectern periodically to look at notes is fine, but you'll notice a remarkable increase in the audience's interest level the moment you leave the lectern behind. Walk all the way into the audience if you want, but don't stay there long, since you don't want to lose eye contact with the people in the first rows.

18) Be lighthearted. Even if you're not spontaneously witty, you can add humor to a speech by planning ahead to share stories (inoffensive ones) that you've practiced on friends. Humor will relax the audience and make you popular; everyone loves to laugh. Deliver the punch line deliberately, to one person who has laughed before or seems ready to laugh. Since laughter is contagious, their laughter will encourage others to do the same. If no one laughs, don't worry about it; just move on.

19) Send thank-you notes. When you speak, you're not only creating a relationship with your audience, you're creating a relationship with the person who invited you to speak. Sending a thank-you note will be appreciated -- and will increase your chances of being invited back.

20) Learn from the experience: Like any relationship, a relationship with an audience can teach you a lot about yourself: your strengths, weaknesses, hopes, dreams. Did the experience challenge and excite you? That's a good sign; you might want to attend meetings of your local chapter of the National Speakers Association (NSASpeaker.org) to learn more. Did you make mistakes? Fine. Perfection is impossible. Take a few notes on the process afterward, continue to practice your people/speaking skills, and you'll create increasingly rewarding relationships with your audiences over time.