Mariah Burton Nelson: From Female Victory to Forgiveness

A lifetime of being an athlete has given Mariah Burton Nelson a lot of food for thought. This former Stanford University and professional basketball player is now better known for her incisive, persuasive books on women and sport: Are We Winning Yet? How Women Are Changing Sports and Sports are Changing Women (Random House, 1991); The Stronger Women Get, The More Men Love Football (Harcourt Brace & Co., 1994); and Embracing Victory: Life Lessons in Competition and Compassion (William Morrow & Co., 1998), Once a competitive swimmer, Burton Nelson now swims, bikes, and golfs, and proudly notes that she recently broke 100 on the links. She is also a popular speaker, addressing dozens of groups each year on the power and promise of women's athletics, and the unfortunate sexism that remains.

Q: In your most recent book, you mention that many feminists still think of competition as a dirty word. Why is that?

A: A lot of competition is dirty, and feminists have critiqued many aspects of male-dominated society, rightfully so. Feminists have been on the losing side of many male competitions. Also, women tend to be compassionate and opposed to a system in which someone loses. We know what it's like to lose . . . we don't yet know enough about what it's like to win and the value of succeeding in competitive situations. Competition doesn't have to be cutthroat; it can be helpful, and even pave the way for others. Look at the World Cup women's soccer team--were they cruel to China? No, they inspired all the women they defeated to practice harder and achieve more themselves.

Q: Many girls especially fear competing with friends, whether in sports or at work. What advice do you have for them and their parents?

A: I would encourage parents to validate the importance of relationships to girls. Girls do care about friendships. It's not right to tell her not to worry about her friends. She's going to worry about friends, and it's good that she cares. Reframe it this way: If you really care about your friend you will show her what hard work is about, and what teamwork and competition are about. Tell your daughter that she can demonstrate excellence and competitiveness in a fair context that will help her friend succeed too. Encourage girls not to be afraid to win. It can be a gift. And also encourage girls to talk together about it. It gets uncomfortable when no one is saying, "Of course I want to win".

Q: Many men fear female victory. Some girls are so aware of that that they stop competing with boys. What should a parent or other concerned adult tell a teenage girl who's eager to achieve yet concerned about losing attention from boys as a result?

A: Explain to girls what's happening. Many boys are uncomfortable with themselves and trying to figure out what it means to be a man. They're confused. They think being a man means being faster, stronger, and smarter than women. Boys will say and do sexist things when they're confused. I would counsel a girl that they will be happier if they can find boys who respect and support their talents. Fathers play a big role in this, too. If fathers can talk about women they love and respect who are better than they are at something, daughters can learn it's possible.

Q: In your book on competition, you talk about women "settling for second." In what ways do you see girls still settling for second?

A: When I give speeches I tell people to give themselves permission to win. Winning means really being number one. It's different from succeeding, from being number two, three, or four. I see both women and girls settling for less than they could achieve because it's more comfortable to let someone else be the pioneer, take the risks, take the heat. Too often girls accept that of course the boys get better lighting and seating at their sports events, of course the football team gets more attention, privileges, and space in the yearbook. We need to teach girls to look around and notice when they're being treated like second-class citizens, and then to insist on equal treatment.

Q: Do you think today's girls, many more of whom are growing up with team sports experience, will be less ambivalent about competition than the baby boomer generation has been?

A: I think that's already true. I see the Gen X women as more confident in competitive situations than women who are now in their 40s or 50s. For one thing, many of them have already competed against boys. Most female athletes compete against boys too, and that can give tremendous confidence as they realize that boys are not always better athletes. But athletic confidence, discipline, and sense of teamwork don't automatically transfer to the rest of one's life. Talk with your girl about what she's learning in sports and how she can apply those lessons to the rest of her life. Show her that hard work and discipline can pay off in the classroom.

Q: You seem convinced that sports participation is a great asset in the work world. Can't a girl grow up confident and strong without participating in sports?

A: Other competitive arenas can teach the same things. Music or art or martial arts, public speaking, 4-H--there are lots of ways to compete. Sports is not the only way. But I do think you need competitive experience to be good at competition later.

Q: You have a disturbing chapter in your book The Stronger Women Get, The More Men Love Football on the frequency of male coaches molesting girl athletes. This also happened to you as a girl. How can parents protect a girl against this situation?

A: Part of raising children is realizing that you can't always control their lives and keep them safe. However, parents can pay close attention, including to the coaches that they know and trust and like. It's the charming, sociable, popular coaches who can more easily molest kids because parents trust them to spend a lot of time with their children. These guys succeed through charm, not through brute force or weapons. This is part of what makes it insidious and thus very difficult to detect. Keep the lines of communication open, and make sure she always knows that if she gets into any sort of trouble or feels like she's in over her head, she can talk to you. The reason girls in this situation don't talk to their parents is that they're afraid their parents will blame them. The tricky part of all this is that girls will get crushes on coaches--that's natural, and there's nothing wrong with it. There's nothing wrong with coaches being attracted to athletes either, but they must not act on that attraction. Tell your girls outright that there should never be any sexual contact between teachers or coaches and children.

Q: You point out in your books and talks that the media continues to insist on portraying women athletes sexually. Even some athletes themselves, including members of the U.S. women's soccer team, have happily gone along with this tendency. How can we work to change this troublesome aspect of women's sports coverage?

A: Girls need to know that they can choose their own style of behavior and dress, regardless of how the media and the culture says girls should behave and dress. Girls don't need to prove that they're female or feminine because they play sports--they are female regardless of what they do. It helps if parents and other adults can be supportive and not be overly focused on what a girl looks like. Parents will get a little too pleased when their soccer player showers and then fixes her hair and makeup. We shouldn't be. Looking nice isn't that important in the world in order to be successful, and it shouldn't be so focused on by parents. A lot of what these women who pose like that are saying is, "Please like me. I'm willing to play a traditional, sexualized, sexist game even though I have broken many rules of feminine training through my athletic excellence. I'm willing to conform to feminine or sexist standards." Underlying much of that is the theme, "I'm heterosexual," because they're afraid that as big, strong, assertive, sweaty athletes they'll be stereotyped as lesbians.

A: My fourth book, which I've just completed, is called The Unburdened Heart: Five Keys to Forgiveness and Freedom. It's related to the coaching incident you mentioned earlier. I got together with the man who molested me, he apologized and I ultimately forgave him, which was a long, difficult, and emotional process. The freedom I felt from forgiving him led me to write this book, which HarperSanFrancisco is publishing in June.

A: Girls are watching and learning from parents how they compete with each other. Can they play a friendly game of chess or tennis, trying hard to win, and still love each other, or do they avoid competing with one another? My own mom inspired me, encouraged me to compete, and brought us together. Parents can be great role models. If mothers don't have any competitive experience they can tell their daughters about that and learn together. Or ask your daughter to teach you!