Mariah Burton Nelson: Article

MARIAH BURTON NELSON
An Athletic Approach to Leadership and Life

Author Maps Routes Toward Forgiveness
by Martha Sawyer Allen, Star Tribune (Minneapolis-St. Paul), August 5, 2000
© Mariah Burton Nelson

Would you be able to forgive someone who had done the unspeakable to you? What if that violation was rape?

Many of us probably wouldn't be able to say "I forgive" and mean it.

Yet as Mariah Burton Nelson points out in a new book, if you can't forgive someone, then the hurt and anger remain trapped inside you. It doesn't do anything to the person who hurt you -- it damages only you.

"The Unburdened Heart: Five Keys to Forgiveness and Freedom" outlines a way of living that allows the reader to reach genuine forgiveness. It's not an easy path, but in some ways is very simple. The book includes study guides and even group discussion questions. It also includes a question-and-answer system with the author that allows readers to interact with her on a personal level.

When one is able to forgive someone, the burden of anger, rage, recrimination, retribution, and superiority fall away.

For the book, Nelson talked with psychologists, studied ancient and modern spiritual wisdom, and interviewed dozens of people, including Bud Welch, whose daughter died in the Oklahoma City bombing.

A former pro Stanford and pro basketball player, Mariah has written three other books, including The Stronger Women Get, The More Men Love Football.

This is an intensely personal and healing book, for her, and for many others. She agreed to an email interview.

Q. At the very first you compare forgiveness to sports. Would you outline that argument briefly?
A. Both require courage, patience, and even love. Like the athlete, the forgiver must develop self-awareness and self-discipline. Like the athlete, the forgiver conditions her heart, in a sense, to become more stronger and resilient. And like the athlete, the forgiver achieves her goal slowly, over time, through intention and practice and hard work.

Q. At the time of your abuse, when you were a teenager, did your parents or any other adults ever suspect? How did they react when they learned? In other words, have they been able to forgive?
A. Like most child molesters, my coach was charming and attractive, and had a good reputation. So no one suspected. For most of my life, I felt guilty and ashamed, as if I had had "an affair with a married man" -- that's how he had framed it at the time -- so I didn't talk about it. Only within the past 10 years or so did I realize that it wasn't an affair, it was statutory rape. When I finally told my parents, my mother felt guilty herself, for not having protected me. I assured her it wasn't her fault; it was Bruce's. I think the forgiveness she struggles with most is self-forgiveness.

Q. Do you believe that true forgiveness comes with the realization that the anger is detrimental to the victim?
A. That's part of it. But you might realize you're being poisoned by your own anger and still not know what to do about it. Or you might become trapped by the belief that you "can't" forgive until the offender apologizes, or apologizes repeatedly, or promises never do to it again, or offers reparations, or serves time in prison, or whatever. In fact you can forgive without any assistance or even admission on the part of the offender. And in fact that's WHY to forgive: to open your own heart, so you can love again. But we have a lot of misconceptions about how and when and why to forgive, and all of those get in the way. Usually, for the big wounds, it's not easy and it's not quick.

Q. You say that our culture doesn't emphasize forgiveness. Explain that.
A. Imagine that you're hit by a drunk driver, and are severely injured, and you say to your friends, "I'd really like to kill that guy." They'll "get it"; of course you're angry. But try saying, instead, "I'd really like to forgive that guy." Chances are, they'll think you're nuts. Or at least they'll feel surprised or confused. We expect vengeance, and even get vicarious pleasure out of the vengeance of others (Hollywood knows this), but we receive much less support when we openly attempt to open our hearts to those who have hurt us.

Q. You tell the story of the Rev. Lawrence Martin Jenco who was held for 564 days by terrorists in Beirut. And you say that he had a lifetime of Christian teaching to help him forgive his captors. So how can someone without that training forgive?
A. Fortunately, all religions advocate some aspects of forgiveness. The Qur'an tells Muslims to forgive. Judaism institutionalizes atonement. Buddhism recommends compassion for all living things. The Hindu poem the Bhagavad Gita says, "If you want to see the brave, look at those who can forgive. If you want to see the heroic, look at those who can love in return for hatred." Science has caught up too: we now know that people who forgive are less anxious and depressed than nonforgivers, and have more hope and higher self-esteem. But you don't need any of this - religion or science - to forgive. You just need a willingness to try something new, a desire to feel different, and information about how to do it -- which is where my "five keys to forgiveness and freedom" come in.

Q. Of the five keys you list -- Awareness, validation, compassion, humility and self-forgiveness -- would you say that one is more difficult than the others?
A. Readers are telling me that self-forgiveness is the most difficult. Personally, I think it's all difficult: forgiving other people and forgiving ourselves. (C.S. Lewis said, "Everyone says forgiveness is a lovely idea until they have something to forgive.") And it's all related - if we can't forgive ourselves, we tend to see others through that same critical lens. As we learn to offer ourselves compassion, we become more ready to offer compassion to others.

Q. What do you hope to accomplish with your book?
A. This is the first book to explore forgiveness in response to sexual abuse, so that was one goal: to show anyone who has been victimized how to "seek the humanity in others," as Archbishop Desmond Tutu puts it. We don't have to keep hurting and hating forever. I also offer interviews with people who have forgiven for other offenses, and who are struggling to forgive. My main goal is to have readers see themselves in this book -- and begin to see themselves differently, with more gentleness and understanding. I also hope readers begin to see other people differently. That's the most gratifying feedback I'm getting so far: that the book is changing the way people extend compassion to themselves and others. If it's inspiring people to be more compassionate, and teaching them how, then I've certainly done my job.

Copyright 2000 Star Tribune. Republished here with the permission of the Star Tribune. No further republication or redistribution is permitted without the express approval of the Star Tribune.